If Board Games Had Advertisements

I got hooked on Words With Friends for a while, but now I go weeks between plays.  The advertisements annoy me.  Does everything need to be interrupted by them?  When we play board games we don't need to be subjected to this nonsense.  But what if we were? For fun, I composed a script to capture just that scenario.

SCENE -                Exterior, Mazy’s home.  Mazy is sitting at a patio table near her driveway.

JANE                      Hi Mazy

MAZY                    Hey Jane.  What have you got?

JANE                      I went to the store today and they were giving away free games of Scrabble.

MAZY                    Free?  Really?

JANE                      Yeah.  I guess there are some advertisements in it but other than that, it was a free game.

MAZY                    Oh that’s cool.  Do you want to play?

JANE                      Sure!

Jane and Mazy open the box of Scrabble and set up a game.  Improvise dialogue: How many game pieces? Who goes first? Do you play where you can just add an “s”?  Do you have a dictionary in case we challenge?  Do you accept slang?  Who wants to keep score? Etc.

MAZY                    (Plays the word  DOG) OK, you’re turn.

Enter a dog, wearing a sign that says: “Like dogs?  Click here for great savings on dog supplies!”

MAZY                    What is that?

JANE                      (Turns to look) Oh, it must be one of the ads.

MAZY                    Oh.  Well, I don't have a dog and I’m not interested in shopping for dog toys.

JANE                      Right.  (To DOG) Go on, get!  (DOG leaves) Alright, my turn.  (Jane plays the word TRAVELED. Enter a man wearing a safari outfit and a necklace with a large emblem that hangs near his chest.)

SAFARI MAN      Enjoy traveling?  Click here (indicates to emblem) for great travel destinations.

MAZY                    I can’t afford any trips right now.

SAFARI MAN      Compare and save rates on flight, hotels, car rentals and nightlife!

MAZY                    Can you leave us alone please?  We just want to play a game of Scrabble.  (SAFARI MAN leaves)

JANE                      Your turn, Mazy.

MAZY                    OK.  Let’s see… (Mazy plays the word WEIGHT)

Loud hip hop music begins to play and rapidly crescendos to an unbearable volume.   

JANE                      (Yelling over music) What the Hell is that?

MAZY                    (Yelling) I think it’s another one of the ads.

Enter muscular man in workout clothes.  He is carrying a boom-box and is wearing a wide black and sequined champion belt with a large button.

MUSCLE MAN   Click here to get into the best shape of your life! (Gestures toward button on belt)

JANE & MAZY                    NO!

MUSCLE MAN looks disappointed, then, with restored confidence, flexes a variety of muscles hoping to change the girls’ minds.

JANE                      We’re just trying to play a game here, would you leave us alone?  (MUSCLE MAN leaves)

MAZY                    These ads are a little annoying, Jane.

JANE                      Well, it’s a free game.  I guess they’ve got to make their money somehow.

MAZY                    I think they made their money back already.  Do the ads ever stop?

JANE                      I don’t know.  They’re not so bad.  I know they’re annoying but they don’t last long.  Let’s just keeping playing.  Whose turn?

MAZY                    (Looks at board) Your turn

JANE                      (Plays the word SINGLE)

Enter a gorgeous young woman scantily dressed with impressive cleavage.

WOMAN              Are you single?

JANE                      I’m married (flashes wedding band)

MAZY                    I’m dating someone.

WOMAN              (To neither in particular) Do you want to flirt?

MAZY                    Not with a woman.

JANE                      No.

WOMAN              Click here (points to the center of her ample bosom) to talk to sexy hot singles in your area.

JANE                      Please go away.  (WOMAN leaves)

MAZY plays the word FEVER and WOMAN returns.

WOMAN              Are you single?

MAZY                    Weren’t you just here?

WOMAN              Do you want to flirt?

MAZY                    Go away already!

WOMAN              Click here (points to her crotch) to talk to sexy hot singles in your area.

JANE                      I’m going to throw this dictionary at you if you don’t leave now.

WOMAN scampers away

MAZY                    Who uses ads to flirt anyway?

JANE                      I don’t know.  It must be like the personals or phone sex. My turn.  (Plays the word GAME)

Enter businessman in pale blue suit with a yellow striped tie.  He is carrying a stack of board games.

BUSINESSMAN Do you enjoy Scrabble? Try other games by Milton Bradley!  (BUSINESSMAN continues his spiel, but MAZY and JANE pretend to ignore him.  Adlib).  We have games to challenge intellect, pit yourselves against your friends, or simply to offer a night of hilarity.  Whatever your interest, Milton Bradley games are perfect for people of all ages.

MAZY                    I’m not going to play anymore games by Milton Bradley if they have as many annoying ads between plays.

JANE                      I’m thinking I should have just bought the game.  This is ridiculous.  

MAZY                    I wish we could just play a game without them.  It really disrupts the fun.

BUSINESSMAN has finished talking and is staring blankly at JANE & MAZY

JANE                      You can go now.  (BUSINESSMAN leaves)

MAZY                    I don’t even know whose turn it is anymore.

JANE                      It’s your turn.  I just played ‘game’.

MAZY                    OK.  Right.  (Plays the word HERBS)

Enter a thin 30-something brunette wearing a white apron and holding grilling utensils.

CHEF            Looking for the best way to flavor up your meat?

JANE & MAZY                    NO!

JANE                      (To Mazy) Barbeque ads now?  What's the point?  Are we really expected to stop our game to shop?  If we wanted to shop we'd be shopping, not playing a board game. Seriously.  (At CHEF) Go away.  (CHEF leaves.  JANE plays the word BODY.)

MAZY                    Look who’s back.

Enter WOMAN.

WOMAN              Are you single?  (Holds hand up to her face in protective gesture.  MAZY & JANE stare at her incredulously.  WOMAN, not being interrupted, smiles widely, hops a bit in excitement and continues.)

WOMAN              Do you want to flirt?  (MAZY & JANE remain silent.  Confidence increases in WOMAN and she continues).

WOMAN              Click here (grabs her chest and squeezes tightly) to talk to sexy hot singles in your area.  (She blows a kiss and smiles stupidly.  A stylish car pulls into the driveway and out pops an attractive young man.)

YOUNG MAN     Check out great deals for the new Honda Accord!

JANE                      Do you want to go for a walk instead?

MAZY                    Yeah

MAZY & JANE get up to leave.  They walk past WOMAN who is still holding onto her cleavage, her spirit begins to dampen.  As JANE and MAZY exit the frame, the young man approaches woman. 

YOUNG MAN     Hey

WOMAN              Hi.  (She squeezes breasts a little tighter).  Wanna flirt?

YOUNG MAN and WOMAN kiss and collapse on the hood of the car kissing and groping.  Camera zooms out and up.  JANE AND MAZY walk away from the scene.  DOG, MUSCLEMAN, CHEF and BUSINESSMAN all walk back onto the scene and intermingle.  Fade to black.